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Warning: This posts contains references to infant bodily functions and is not for the squeamish.

I had one goal for tonight - to mow the lawn before it got dark. Just one goal.

Deidra was going off to a Relief Society meeting and I volunteered to keep Amelia here while she was gone. As long as Millie got fed before Deidra left, I figured I had a good 2-3 hours of a content, sleeping baby while Deidra was gone. It was the first time Millie and Deidra would be separated, and while Deidra was a little nervous, I assured her that I would be okay.

Somebody should have checked with Millie to see to get her thoughts.

Millie had been recently fed and was contently sitting in the front room in her bouncer when Deidra left at 7pm. Thinking of my one goal, I quickly accounted for what I needed to do to get the lawn mowed:

1. Change a stinky bum.
2. Put Millie in her PJs.
3. Swaddle her in preparation for bed.
4. Rock her to sleep.
5. Put her in bed.
6. Go mow the lawn (checking on Millie periodically).

I was convinced I could accomplish these tasks before it got dark around 9pm, and I got started in on the checklist. The first thing I did was pick up the bouncer, Millie and all, and walked into her room. I put Millie and the bouncer down on the floor and went about getting a new diaper and getting PJs ready. I then went to grab Millie, but before I got to her, I saw a stream of milk launch out of her mouth like water from a firehose. I had no idea that one little body could hold that much fluid, and that it could all leave her body so quickly.

If only I had know that this was just the beginning . . .

I quickly got her burp cloth and cleaned up the bouncer, her blanket, and her face as well as I could. I threw the blanket and burp cloth into the hamper and set Millie down on the ottoman of our glider to change her bum. I knew there was trouble as soon as I took off her pants and saw the mustard color seeping out of her onesie. 

Great! Millie's first blow out, and it happens on my watch! 

I got the new diaper and PJs out of the way and carefully undressed Millie, throwing her pants and onesie in the hamper along with the blanket and burp cloth. All this was done one-handed, while holding her feet up with the other hand to keep the blowout from contaminating the ottoman or anything else in the vicinity. I grabbed the wipes and before long had her bum spotlessly clean. I reached for the new diaper, and just at that moment, pee starts flowing like a dam just broke - all over the ottoman. I didn't know what to do, so . . . I didn't do anything and just let her do her business. No use wasting a brand new diaper when she's already peed all over the ottoman.

Plus, we were planning on refinishing that ottoman anyway, right?

Once she finished, I cleaned her off and put on the new diaper and pajamas and put Millie immediately into her crib. To her credit, even though she was wide-eyed and alert, she contently lied there in the crib while I washed out her soiled pants and onesie, applied stain remover, and put a load in the wash. Then I  took a wet hot rag and scrubbed down the ottoman. Finally, I washed the bouncer cover in the sink and hung it to dry.

Almost immediately after I finished these chores, Amelia started to cry. 

I guess she missed me, or she felt bad about putting me through all this. At any rate, she didn't want to go to sleep, but she would stop crying if I held her. So we just sat on the glider and read a couple of stories and chatted for a while. As her eyelids finally started getting heavy, I looked at her and just started laughing, thinking about everything that had transpired. I gave her a kiss on the cheek and told her that she was a little stinker, but that I couldn't help but love her all the more because of it. As soon as I said this, she got a silly little grin on her face and let out a few giggles. And my heart fully melted.

She fell asleep soon afterward and I put her in her crib, the adventures of the evening behind us.

And I even had time to mow the lawn.